After ending the call from my Mother of her news about her devastating fight with a terrible disease that many of us will never understand, I stood numb to her news of her now Two Months life expectancy. How could she be so strong?, was it to protect the one’s that loved her so, and she in return loved with her compassion of putting all them before herself….
Here I was in a strange home feeling a pain not only in my mind but shooting straight to my heart with no preparation to shield the outer lining with a barrier to protect the pain that entered and caused my chest to feel heavy, my breathing to become difficult to act in ordinary circumstances, and my mind weak and intruded with so many emotions I had to seat myself on the sofa next to me that I have been calling my bed for the last month.
As I became overwhelmed with grief and confusion, it hit me like a tornado sweeping down without warning and destroying all in sight. I was shaking and leaned forward resting my head in my hands as I rocked back and forth ( a reflex of stress and the unknown that I began when stress was too overwhelming for me to absorb or for my mind to comprehend after being diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, as well as the fear of abandonment and other mental disorders caused by the loss of exceptance of my biological family members in a time when true family are usaully your group of supporters without judgment and only reaching out with warmth and unconditional love and compassion).
It has been so long of a journey through my life altering stigma, that it no longer seems real to me in my mind. After many attempts of reconciliation the rejection was causing me too much distress that my body created a defence mechanism that will haunt me for years to come. I must return to the real message of this blog about the Mother of 10 years who called with news that will haunt my future and present until I learn or teach myself the true recovery of the deepest grief with shame and guilt surrounding me as I continue my life experience with you with the only tool I have and that is my voice in writing. Hoping you all can understand and not misunderstand the reasons of my selfish actions in a powerful time where certain emotions and actions of your closest and dearest love sometimes may be difficult to emotionally understand. We being the ones they rely on for the most unconditional love and ability to separate our emotions so that they better understand the different stages of grief and exploding river of emotions that rage like white rapids from stress and exhaustion from the daily caring and the news of disappointment begins to overwrite the false hope that was once the only thing that fueled your mind and body. The very information that gave you the ability to grab onto with such realism, and carry one through the biggest and most emotional draining journey ever passing into the center of his heart like a tsunami wiping out what was once your life and family unity in one devastating yet life altering loss of one’s true identity.
It no longer mattered how I got to the destination that my life had lead me and can later be discussed in future blogs. The woman whom had helped me and believed in me with Absolutely no doubt in her heart or mind was now given the news that would alter so many lives, it now seems inconceivable. My thoughts rush to the family and man I loved so dearly, that I had left behind and ran to what I thought was my refuge, not realizing outsiders can sometimes appear as sincere and caring understanding individuals. When in reality they are more or a jail cell holding one in with fear and manipulation to what they knew of your own condition which you shared with them before realizing what their truest reasoning’s were.
Before you were aware of all the misleadings and manipulations that they planted into your mind knowing how fear would override the ability to think clearly in your deepest time of despair and longing to get to where your presence was truly needed and well deserved, from the life you were given by these loved ones when no one else truly cared about your traumas and need for acceptance. The fears of being captive in the home of strangers filled your heart and mind with emotions overrun on adrenaline, and fear of no knowing how to escape the grasp of all the vile and mind altering fear tactics that they had already planted into your subconscious without you actually realizing what was truly going on.
Like a child you asked for permission to go to your Mother’s bedside where you truly knew that was where you belonged. Everything seemed unreal as they filled your mind with fear tactics that you knew were not possible, yet you were too afraid to challenge at that moment. As you slowly processed their reasonings as to why you could not go to where You Longed To Be, you started to question their reasons and opened your mind like you were taught by your family and realized you had to challenge the facts they had tried to make you think were true. I made phone calls to local authorities asking questions that assuming their reaction made little sense, yet they to the best of their ability lead me to others whom could be of more help and lead me to other alternatives to get to the bottom of these false allegations that were taking time from the family that tried to piece things together and make sense of my confusing actions, knowing that it was so unlike my character and there must be so much more to this mess then they could pinpoint at this exact time.
My so called friends, had control of all phone calls as they unplugged all household extentions, when and if they allowed me to communicate with anyone outside the house they would be listening in on the only active line from where it was not visiable to myself…..
Slowly my anxiety taking over, causing my fears and self withdrawls to come into this world of darkness that I had brought myself to, while in a state of exhaustion, confusion, fear, longing for truth, feelings of grief and not knowing how to cope or handle the overwhelming emotions that accompanied it, and wanting and longing to fix something far and beyond my ability. Fear took hold and all I knew at that negative time was to reach out to anyone who would listen with compassion and caring of what other obstacles I was facing. I longed for the darkness to disappear and take me to a place where I could think more clearly without the hatred that was slowly entering into the world of my truest relationship and life partner. From fear of losing someone who had given me my life back with her acceptance, love, compassion, and true belief in not only my goodness, but also in my faults, I felt the escape was my only way out to where I could start to accept and understand what was truly happening in our world as a family unit from dealing with a situation that hit me so hard, so quickly and made me see things that altered my views on certain life’s circomstances and felt that I was slowly becoming an outsider with no value to my imput. The only one who actually wanted my words heard was the one fighting for her own life and who I knew never wanted me to get displaced in this life altering event. I was 100% her daughter in LIFE & her DEATH!!!!
Here I was, afraid to stand up for who was always my greatest strength when I needed it or if she felt I was in a mind state that she and only she could understand and revert my way of processing my thoughts into a more powerful manner that would always allow me to see the world in realaity and always assured me of my intellect that would lead me to the real person I once was and how I had the blessings of finding the answers of any obstacles that diverted my pathway through the right journey in life that I had always stood for. I stood in the darkness with my eyes closed and there she was, MOM. That is what I needed for that final push, to think clearly and realize I had control of my own life and actions I was going to take. I grabbed my laptop, which usually I feared being on for it was once said through all this chaos I had come to know that a programme to see everything I was doing and being able to make copies of my files and searches had been installed, thinking I was truly unaware to the invasion of my own personal privacy. My only hope was that my life partner, the son on my Mother (his actual biological Mom), would be online in hopes to me eventually not being able to fight the love and dedication we all were united with as the family we truly were. As I looked at the page many days had passed since my Mother’s call had reached me and what I was seeing staring back at me was one of the most damaging images that broke my self being and belief in who I truly was. Was I so terrible because of my weaknesses that God put this on me in hopes to see me truly accept my illness and truly work at fighting it, so I have control over my own life, not being some form of a robotic human allowing others to control her with fear, manipulation, and self worth.
There I sat with the last picture of a wonderful son and the Mother, he stood side by side with as she struggled through every appointment, test, and treatment. His world had completely become a mission of love along side, not only his best friend but his biggest supporter also. Yet although my eyes seemed like they were playing out a bad dream, that in which I so strongly wanted to awaken from. It was the caption above that caught my attention and froze my mind and heart, the actual thought of even beginning to process the reality of the words I was repeating over and over in my mind could even have any valid truth, for I am absolutely sure that I would have gotten a phone call from my family, although I had no resource of being aware of such an event, since they had the phones unplugged, I still reassured myself that there would of been a very important message left requesting that I receive the information as soon as possible, due to the devastating circumstances surrounding the call. The worry of my reaction with no family around as support and the thought of my reaction and how I wound truly cope with the initial news would have been a very important issue for my family. Surely no individual with any compassion within their self being would ever take a situation like this and control it’s outcome and rightly justify it with any sense of respect for the individual who had been trying for days to make them understand, even with any issues with her partner she needed to make it to her ill mother’s beside. Yet, with all this running through my mind, it turned back to the words that I could not consider as reality. It was to devastating to understand and bare. There it was on my partners google page “After fighting a life altering illness , my Mother secome to the painful struggle on Friday afternoon at 4:44. The whole family is praying for a certain young lady (daughter).We are hoping somehow she will read this before it is too late. We worry how her absence would affect her emotionally and mentally, and if she does not receive this delicate news of her Mother from the pleading phone messages left for her, or if she does not receive this information on my Google Page, by THE GRACE OF GOD, by signing in and quickly checking things out, if she has time on her own, long enough that she would take the short chance and peek in on her family without being noticed. We worry if this news does not get to her with any time still available that she will be able to say her last words to the one WOMAN that she so looked up to and attributes any positive changes in her life to, and whom our Mother took under her wing with pride and compassion for the Angel in which God had sent her for a greater purpose than she even knew, she may fall into a seclusion of guilt, and shame for the love she and our mother only knew truly existed between the two of them. We ask all readers of this post to Bless Our Mother as she moves onto her next journey in life, and please pray that my lovely partner is with her family in time to share in the honoring of our dear and graceful Mother. If enough of us consciously pray, it may be enough for my Mother’s dying wish to be fulfilled and have her WHOLE family in unity to say our Blessings and Prayers as she is received into the Kingdom of Or Lord!”
My body was numb with sorrow and I was frozen in the shock as I read these words of my life partner, wondering what happened for us to be separated at such a struggle for the entire family. Then it hit me of how I struggle with some difficult abilities that many of you may find impractical or hard to comprehend for you may have never dealt with an extreme case of social anxiety withdrawal, and a devastating fear of lose, abandomement, along with other mental issues that cause me to run, hide, close myself off from the world before paranoia became another obstacle with all the negative emotions and verbal words causing scars that no one could possibly relate to.
The reality of how quickly things can happen was now causing my body to struggle with vision, balance, concentration, and even truly understanding what I had just read on Rob’s profile page. Was I in my right mind frame or had all the chaos and feelings of being told what I could and could not do just starting to affect me as my body tried to softly and slowly soak in the news that still starred back in my face as I lowered my vision to the laptops attention again. Again I looked at the date on my computer, realizing it was now Sunday morning. My body began to sweat purfusively and I began to shake as I gently rocked back and forth, a form of soothing myself under extreme stress. IT HAS BEEN TWO DAYS, how I was not told of such important news from the individuals whom seemed like they only wanted and looked out for my best interests. It was at that very moment emotions overcome me and there was no way of controlling the numerous emotions all flowing together at the same time, and the river was to deep and raging that I felt broken, empty, lost, and so very ALONE! I crumbled like a landslide falling into a fetal position and allowed myself to release without any concern for anyone but myself and my family. The sound was strong yet so sad from all my buried and trapped pains held deep within my soul, that the cries seemed that of a new born child. I have never weeped so deep and for such a length of time in all my life, it was like releasing the tremors of a earthquake yet there was no sink hole for me to get swallowed up into so I could hide from my quilt, shame, embarrassment, emptiness, and pride. As I rocked my body cradled in my own comfort, I was terrified to think of what my family must be coping with, especially with my absence, you see I took control of situations like this, it was one thing I can say I was truly good at , at times like these. Yet I was here and it was now Sunday Feb, 8th. Two days after my Mother was taken by her Angels up to Heaven where she would no longer suffer in pain. I hated myself for not being where I was needed, and even called on by my own Mother a week ago letting me know what the doctors had told her of having two months left and it was time for me to come HOME, for she wanted and needed me by her side. She wanted to see my angelic features and sea blue eyes so she could focus more deeply and easily. Yet, no one expected this to happen so quickly. So many questions running through my mind, when it hit me that I had to get a message to Rob and let him know I had just received the news. As I turned back to the laptop I noticed he had seen that I was signed in and had left multiple messages calling out to me, waiting for a response. He knew the situation I was in and the fear I had in standing up to these people because of their ability of manipulating lies that somehow to me seemed realistic and only confused me and filled my mind with paranoia and fear. He had already planned how we wound handle getting me out of there and home where I belonged. As I tried to type with tears pouring down my checks , all I remember was I kept typing I am So Sorry over and over..His response was I know babe, but we are together now and we are not letting go of one another ever again, for we are going to learn better communication skills, as well as understanding the major triggers for your health issues, and how deep certain situations can throw you into a complete world of fear and mistrust of even your dearest loved ones. Once he realized he had me calm to some extent he knew he had to get things across to me as quickly as he possibly could because of the fear of someone finding out through the installed spyware. To pass through this point of my blog a little more quickly, using what he had asked if I was truly capable of following through with, especially with what I had just come to find out about my Mother and the great fear I felt around the people who had taken me in, but later became strangers instead of friends. I quickly took in his instructions of what my actions should be to help get me to where I needed to be, with my Mother…..
Filled with fear of awakening anyone or letting the dogs hear me moving around and awake them into barking and running out of the bedroom only to make this all a lot more difficult… I quickly gathered some bare necessities, my camera, my laptop, purse, and a few other things I can’t seem to recall. As my heart was pounding and my breathing rapid I remember my medications in the cupboard and as I went to retrieve them was so fearful the opening and closing of the cupboard door would awaken someone…. I was in my pajamas with a housecoat and slippers and was to afraid to take the time to change into my winter boots I decided just to make a run for it. I reached the door with my hands full of what I thought was my only necessities for that time. As things were slipping from my arms I reached the door and quickly opened it and ran out without closing it fearing being caught. I felt like a hostage but it was just my fear of altercations which I could never allow myself to truly face.
The cold winter air hit me and took my breath away, yet my mind was so focused on reaching the end of the driveway without being caught or dropping anything from my grasp, I ran in the deep snow while looking for Rob’s headlights as a sign of safety. I could not see anything coming in either direction and started to panic. I started to run due to fear and then there they were, Rob’s headlights heading straight towards me, so I started to run faster with emotions spilling over I started to cry and cried deeper as I got closer to his van…
He stopped and flew open my passenger door for me to jump in, he then noticed the belongings slipping from my grasp so he grabbed me and pulled me in from the cold darkness of my nightmare. I had made it and once it became reality to me I lost all control of my emotions and the shame and quilt I felt I had done Mother were being released in a flood of over whelmingness. Rob waited to speak until I had composed myself. We were both filled with so many different emotions that he stopped the van and we just held one another in joy and sorrow at the same time.
Yes, I would be at my Mother’s Funeral tomorrow, but the big question was what then? Had I truly made the proper decision for ALL the reasons of just the longing to be with MOM and saying my goodbyes. After every thing was over had I put myself right back in the life I had just ran from. What was the fate of my future now?
You will find out the outcome of how unplanned
decisions can take you back to a
place you feared and were alone
and can trap you all over again!
WAIT FOR THE
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!